Chintzy

What are your neighbors like? (The ones you live near or next to, not the ones in your Vox neighborhood!)

Well in the next flat plus one, there are a lovely American couple. Their names I cannot remember, but it is something like Kathy and Bill. "Hi! We're Kathy and Bill!" Yeah, that sounds about right.

Then there is the friendly Asian gentleman who once talked to me in the lift about expensive chocolates. Actually, it was a bit more of a creepy flirt. I remarked how the chocolates he had brought home were the best (Leonidas) and he was all "You like nice things, do you?"

Er, anyway, most of the people who live in this house/block/whatever are women, especially old single women. It is probably part of the doorman's job description to entertain the old ladies in flirtation and conversation while they pass through to buy milk, bread and cat food at Central London's Largest Waitrose.

I think a few acedemics live in the building too, as quite a few of the older men who live here seem quite eccentric, and they're all generally nice.

In the evening, if you walk through the hallways to leave/come back in, you can smell all the cooking of everyone's tea. Everyone either cooks curry, something garlicky, or burnt toast.

Not really neighbours, but back onto the subject of The Young Persons' Hotel Across The Road; those who have been round my flat - and watched any undressing men - will know that the hostel rooms have mirrors in the windows, so, the residents do their make-up/shaving, etc, while facing out the window onto the street.

In the months I have been here, I have only seen men toplessly use the poorly thought-out window mirror, until recently, where there was a woman - or a very feminine man with long hair and manboob problem that really needs addressing - using the mirror, yes, topless.

I mean, for goodness sake, WE ARE ON A BUSY ROAD WHERE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS WALKING UP AND DOWN. We are in between Russell Sq. and Euston/St Pancras/King's Cross, and there is constantly the dunt-dunt-dunt noise of people walking with suitcases on wheels and stuff coming and going from the stations. And it is a residental area! There are CHILDREN walking around, popping to the shops, CL'sLW, and Coram's Fields - the bloody playground! I turned away and continued to watch Come Dine With Me. Jeez.

Typical.

I see a job advertised in the field I am well into - technology journalism, blogging etc - located in Covent Garden (not far, cab-wise) and at an okay-ish salary to start off with, AND it is with a company I have already freelanced for.

I am qualified and bloody well experienced enough, but here's what's wrong:

• the interviews are when I am back in Rotherham for my sister's birthday/Easter
• I'd have to swan off to The Guardian for two weeks in April, and I don't know how they'd be with that.

ARGH BOLLOCKS BOLLOCKS.

I'm wondering if it's meant to be that I don't apply and get an interview etc. because there may be other possibilities for me post-Guardian, and I have done a commission and been offered even more work for a big technology consumer magazine anyway, and arghh sorry I am confused. Two frigging paths are confusing me.

I think I need to go and play Nintendogs for a bit.

I think I must have fallen asleep during Come Dine With Me, and I must be still dreaming...

G2 this afternoon have offered me two weeks work experience with them in April.

I'm so shocked. I've been told in the past it is near impossible to get in there, so I sent my CV expecting a 'thanks, but no thanks' at the most, but OH MY GOD.

Roll on April, I can't bloody wait!

It is gloriously sunny out, but I'm in a bad way, walking-wise, so I'm stuck inside moping.

One of the things that has cheered up my immobility is this website for Wiltshire Farm Foods.

It's a company that deliver ready meals, mostly to old people, who return to the website to write reviews of the meals.

Let's have a look at some?

Steak & Mushroom Bake:

• "Very tasty and extremely good value. Mrs Cullimore. Merseyside."

  Mrs Cullimore, Wirral

• "I LOVE THIS BUT I HATE SPROUTS SO I BIN THEM AND STEAM SOMETHING ELSE."

  Mr guile, Dunfermline

• "Love this dish A1 perfect combination."

  Mrs dindorp, Radstock

'Mr guile' from Dunfermline is my favourite, as all his reviews are in CAPS LOCK, kind of like when you persuade your old folks to start texting you and they don't know how to get it off CAPS so every message from them is like they are shouting at you.

Hungarian Beef Goulash:

• "YES IT WAS NICE, PEPPERS AND ALL."

  Mr guile, Dunfermline

• "My 1st WFF meal, not something i would usualy try but i must say it was real tasty, better than most micro-meals. Large enough portion, I look forward to T-time tomorrow. I followed instruction for microwave remembering NOT to pierce/remove film food was cooked fine."

  Mr parker, Gainsborough

• "Very disappointed to find that there are peppers in this dish that DO NOT belong . Also i love this dish but am allergic to peppers!(peppers originate From Mexico). "

  Mrs dindorp, Radstock

Is Mrs dindorp anti-Mexico or just anti-peppers?

There was another meal, I can't remember what, and someone, maybe Mr guile just put: "DISGUSTING."

It is my new favourite way to pass time.

In other news, I have just had a dozen cupcakes delivered, but I can't open them yet. GAAAAARRGHHH.

I'm going to blog about my mornings. I always hated getting up early in Rotherham, as it meant, oh shit! school/college/university/hospital, and while I still hate getting up early, something is different. I have somehow fallen into a proper sleeping routine here, and if I'm not in bed by half eleven at the latest, I am whacked. I am sad. Furthermore to this, I like a drink of milk at night before settling down. Dear Lord.

My alarm clock has only ever woken me up twice in the last four months, as I always seem to be awake 15/30 minutes before it, having been stirred by some sirens, the neverending water/road works on my street, or the urge to wee.

Anyway, two things make my morning good:

1. My Carer

She's 23, called Mara, and she's from Brazil. She comes from a carers agency where you need to have nursing experience, which is brilliant, and I couldn't have got anyone better. She's very intuitive, not just with medical things, but also when it comes to the general tidying and cleaning of the flat, and she knows how I like things just so, and certain stuff within easy reach, like the phone, remote, those biscuits, etc.

She's also really funny. Much hilarity comes from her learning English and mispronouncing words.
I've taught her: cardigan, tights, sheets (she finds sheets hilarious as she thinks it sounds like shit, a little bit), slippers, biscuits, and Jaffa cakes.

She says Hillary Clinton as: Hello Clinton, and that's how I'll think of her throughout the candidate race and her now possibly unlikely presidency.

I've also learned stuff from her too. Did you know that Valentine's Day in Brazil is in June? This is further proof that it is all wrong over here.

While Mara is round in the morning and we're doing dressings or she is cleaning/tidying, on the TV there is usually...

2. Wanted Down Under

Before this show I never thought much about Nadia Sawalhahahahaha, or indeed, Australia, but I now know I don't ever want to:
a - go to Australia as it is full of idiot British families
b - meet Nadia

Oh God, her voice makes me want to smash my head into the TV.

Basically, the show is about families who want to emigrate to Australia, because apparently, Australians want a loads of skilled UK people to have some of their jobs. The people who are moving are so annoying. Normally it is the mother or father who wants to move, and the kids are roped into agreeing with them. The other partner is usually hesitant, but easily persuaded.

Apparently in Australia you can swim with dolphins and live on the beach everyday, and this is the lifestyle they want. What is doubly annoying is how the families are usually disappointed that Australia isn't as cheap as they thought, some property is expensive, and most of them found that they'd only be earning half their UK wage. But it didn't matter, because their new home has a swimming pool! Or room for one!

The families would also be shown a DVD of friends and family getting upset about how much they'd miss them if they moved. Little Stephanie would then begin to cry and remind mum how aunt Agnes has fallen down the stairs a lot more lately, and how she finds it hard to make friends. But who cares?! Our new house looks like one on Ramsay Street!

As much as this show made me angry, I am now disappointed it has been replaced by an animal rescue show, full of feral cats and dying dogs. Anger is better than sorrow in the morning.

Come back, Nadia! All is forgiven!

GOK WAN IS AT THE BRUNSWICK WITH A BIG INFLATABLE SCREEN WITH GIANT PICTURES OF WOMEN IN THEIR UNDERWEAR! HE'S ASKED ME TO COME BACK TO INTERVIEW ME TO SAY "YEAH SHE HAS GREAT ARMS/LEGS/TITS ETC." HE'S SO LOVELY! GET DOWN THERE!

*calm* Phew, sorry about that, but I'm excited.

Rotherham pros: surrounded by mostly farmer's fields, very little would wake me up, except for...

Rotherham cons: ...occasional explosions from the nearby steel works. Yes, explosions. One memorable large one was on the night of 11th September 2001. My sister and I ran to my room, fresh with fear from watching the news all day, to look out the window to see a mushroomy-style cloud in the distance. We were convinced for a second that it was terrorism, but then we realised that Rotherham may not be a target, and the whole thing was unfortunate coincidence.

London cons: People walking around at night leaving bars, clubs, and so on, yelling drunkenly at each other. The most memorable exclamation was the other night, with some bloke screaming louder than anyone has ever screamed before: "YOU FUCKING CUUUUUUNT!" at half three in the morning. I laughed it off and went back to sleep. Also, nearby there is a very cheap hostel that has a lot of young folk staying. This too can be briefly noisy, but there is an advantage in that...

London pros: ...you can totally watch chaps getting dressed. Nightly. Across the road from me.

If anyone can make it to my flat warming on Thursday night, rest assured the entertainment is sorted. Feel free to bring binoculars.

Ringtones: What's yours and how often do you change it? 
Submitted by enrico.  

'Frolic' - Curb Your Enthusiasm Theme

Clowns: delightful or terrifying?

Traumatising.

It was 1997, Mum had died, and I was in Great Ormand Street Hospital to have the old hand surgery. I remember it being a post-op appointment, probably just a change of bandage, and Dad and I were sat in the plastic surgery ward - Tiger Ward - just waiting to be released.

One of the Hospital Clowns, who apparently cheer the children up, came up to me and handed me a flower attached to a wire, which would of course spring back to the clown's lapel if released. He handed the flower to me, saying "Flower for your mother!" and I put my hand out to get it, before, ho ho! It sprang back. It wasn't a flower for me, or indeed my dead mum at all! How droll.

Dad was seething and stared daggers at the clown, and managed not to thump him, or tell him to fuck off.

Of course, Twat Clown didn't know my mum had died and that I was feeling pretty sad as it was the summer holidays and not enjoying them as I had been in-and-out of hospital for weeks, and that I was shit scared about starting secondary school, but still, it was a very clowny thing to do because clowns are cruel, mean bastards. Everytime I see a clown now, I feel anger and fear, and the urge to kill. If I ever end up in a war battle situation, it would be useful to visualise the enemy as clowns.